Moms’ Group – Session #6

24 Sep Moms’ Group – Session #6

Nowadays obedience is not necessarily seen in a positive light. People see it as a lack of freedom, inability to be in control, stifling etc. Yet it is a virtue and necessary for the maturity of an individual. List as many reasons why teaching and living obedience is so necessary for children, adults, society.

Answers may include and should develop to address the following:

– teaches docility

– we allow someone else who knows more and has more experience to guide us

– teaches humility

– helps us realize we don’t know everything and someone else can better direct us at times

– if not taught young, much more difficult when older

– helps us to learn to listen to others

– helps us to develop self-discipline, self-control

– allows us to be in a better position to learn – at home, at school, at work etc.

– gain a much better understanding of right and wrong

– helps us overcome our own egoism, comfort-seeking etc. and stretches us to become better individuals more aware of the needs of others

– helps us gain a respect for others, people in authority etc.

Parents have little preparation for parenting. Their infant who is so easy going and “angelic” all of a sudden becomes wild in the terrible two’s and parents are lost what to do. Often the tendency is to come down hard and punish the child for what is not appropriate. Unfortunately, the child does not know the rules and parents become run down trying to “fix everything”. Small children are not often willfully disobedient – just exploring, experimenting and testing their capacities and the rules. Parents need to realize what is age appropriate, normal, expected behaviour and how to deal with events without going overboard. They also need to learn a lot from other parents who are one step ahead of them. We have so little training and we cannot be led by emotions. We need advice.

Here are some typical problems parents meet in small children. What are the different things a parent can do in these situations? Discuss.

1. A toddler is reaching for, grabbing or playing with plants, breakables, precious mementoes.

2. A child is watching TV and it’s supper time.

3. A child is playing and you need to get everyone in the car to go somewhere.

4. A child is not interested in eating what’s on the plate.

5. A child takes a toy from a younger sibling, who starts to scream.

6. A child wants to eat ½ hour before the meal and is relentless.

7. A child needs to go to bed but doesn’t want to.

8. A child hits their sibling.

9. A child is whining in the grocery store for some candy at the checkout.

10. A child won’t sit still and quiet at church.

11. A child gets angry at you and slaps you hard.

12. A child name calls a sibling – “You poop.”

13. A child is forever picking his nose.

Give a short talk.

All these situations are different and require different responses. It is up to you whether you resort to spanking. If used correctly it can be effective for some children. However, if you were to scream and spank at all the above scenarios you would be confusing the child’s conscience to believe that all the above behavior was the same degree of “badness”. Parents must develop different consequences consistent with the degree of disobedience. Outright defiance and disrespect to the parents authority should have the strongest consequence.

Be careful not to fall into the cycle of always harping on what is not right. Even though kids initially are not co-operative, do comment when they do what is asked. Instead of saying “what a good girl”, say ” Wow does that ever make mommy happy that you did that.” This helps motivate the child to make mommy happier by repeating the good behavior and acting obediently. Children should not feel either that when they do something bad, they are a bad boy. Rather remind them “You are a good boy, and you can be better. Try harder to be …”

It’s great for couples to sit down and pick the top three things that bug them, ie. name calling, hitting and not putting toys away when asked.  They should brainstorm what could be the consequences for each item and then allocate them: going to bed 10 minutes earlier, missing snack, losing dessert, a time out, etc.  Consequences need to be age appropriate, calmly enforced and consistently applied. Putting the plan on paper and posting it in the kitchen can help parents be more consistent, calm and controlled in tackling issues.

At the same time, discipline is about leading children in good behavior. Parents should praise effort, not just results. Attention should be given to correct behavior. Remember 10 praises save a 100 reprimands. To construct a great person, focus on the virtues you want. Don’t be forever correcting either. Learn to enjoy your children and talk about them in a positive way.

A good book to show moms is Michelle Borba’s “Don’t Give Me That Attitude”.

There are no quick easy solutions to develop cheerful prompt obedience, otherwise it would not be a problem. We all come into the work self-centered, comfort-seeking, full of ego. It is not easy to bend to someone else, but we must learn if we are to mature. Parents need to develop ideas on how to deal with obedience and disobedience that motivates children to love what is good and minimize the negative. No child can be a little adult, and no one is perfect. We must struggle to develop good habits and be consistent. Have few battles, but on really important issues. Be willing to overlook a lot and have patience. The results may be long in coming, but well worth the wait and the insistence on proper values/behaviour. Parents need to know everyone has struggles, but at the same time they work as a team to minimize issues and build character in their children.