My Kid is Driving Me Crazy!!!

01 Oct My Kid is Driving Me Crazy!!!

Babies come into the world so cute and cuddly. Some are colicky, which is no picnic. Regardless we do have a learning curve to learn how to navigate diapers, feedings, sleepless nights and so forth. We are so enamored by our baby’s first smiles, their cooing and all their first’s – first step, first word, etc. etc.  These precious moments help us treasure our motherhood moments.

However babies grow into toddlers and life takes on new dimensions. Curiosity, exploration, discovering limits and testing them become the terrain of adventure for every child.  Not all is wonderful and beautiful. Terrible two’s overflow into three’s and sometimes four year olds. Where did that little angel go? What is happening? Why is my child misbehaving so often and not listening to me?

Children grow physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. We certainly see that if they are left to their own devices, they don’t always choose what is good, safe and even reasonable.  We as parents love our children and want the best for them.

As the years pass we realize children do not always obey, are impacted by all kinds of stimuli and can develop habits that drive us round the bend. Sometimes it’s their temperament, like the choleric child who is strong-willed and determined to out last you in every battle. Sometimes it’s their fatigue, hunger or worry that throws them into tantrums that wear us down.   They get to know us well over the years, and push all our buttons, sometimes skillfully and on purpose to get their way.

No parent has perfect kids.   All kids push buttons at some time or other.  Parents suffer a lot of wear and tear trying to figure out how to help kids behave. Juggling marriage, work and other challenges can add to the situation.  I found the research presented for parents on In Love While Parenting very helpful.  When people get stuck in negative emotions, our best strategies can easily fail because our approach is not helpful. Research into neuroscience has revealed the best approaches when someone is melting down, obstinate, or rebellious. How revealing!!! I wish I had that information years ago when I was raising my children  User friendly, bit-sized lessons from this amazing free app has been created by neuroscientists, doctors, psychologists and counsellors wanting to support stronger families. It is foundational in approaching the problems we daily face with members of our families.  Truly, our first response to challenges determines whether we move forward or hit a wall, whether we find co-operation or a closed spirit. I highly encourage you to check it out. Whether you have a normal child or neuro-diverse child (autism, ADHD…), the information contained in this app is truly educational for everyone and totally free and accessible. Life is busy, demanding and often overwhelming. Start with this app to easily show some super simple approaches that make a ton of difference.

Some children are quite challenging and do not seem to even pay attention, sit still to listen or respond to a parent’s indications. This is exasperating for everyone and just escalates the issues if we cannot find the approach to get them to calm down, engage with us and move forward.  Calming Your Child: De-escalating Tantrums, Anxiety, Aggression, and Other Challenging Behaviors by Dame Sue Bagshaw and Michael  Hemseed was a book from the library I found most helpful. It re-iterated many methods our family has learned through occupational therapy, and other approaches now being used by therapists for children.  A worthwhile area to investigate when your child seems non-typical for the way they handle stressful situations. All children are different and it’s key to find the way to relate to them that will help them bloom. Then you can tap more effectively into their natural strengths and build relationships that are less draining.

Besides connecting with  your child, the next thing to think about it, What results are you looking for? Just greater peace and quiet? A window of time for just yourself? or  Helping them to grow into better human beings? Depending on the day, we may vacillate between all those goals.  I was hugely impacted at the beginning of our family life to adopt a virtues approach to parenting otherwise known as character building. A super simple good read on this topic would be The Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov. That book along with others really helped me to sharpen my vision, which would then permit a huge variety of approaches to each child.  When my kids were all practically grown up, I stumbled across two books that were absolutely amazing. I wish I had them years ago!  I highly recommend them for parents. Consider even gifting them when your friends have another child born.  They offer help at the tip of their fingers when there seems no time to scratch your nose, sort of like a parenting bible.

Dr. Michele Borba is internationally renowned for her research as an educator of character. Every book she has written is a gem that offers effective, practical, hands on advice. If you like the word virtue, character or good habits, you should look into this author.

Today I want to recommend two of her books for your home library.  Both of these books catalogue all the bad attitudes and behaviors that kids could possibly come up with.  In each case, Borba gives diagnosis, looks at causes, comes up with strategies and helps you develop a realistic plan of action to build the good habits that are missing.  At the end of each chapter she provides lists of resources you can further rely on to keep you going. She even gives a list of books/movies kids can watch to attract them to the good for each chapter of “Don’t Give Me That Attitude”.

So let me wet your appetite to pick up one of these books, whether new or second hand. You’ll be using them for years.

No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them deals with the following chapter topics –  Anger, Anxiety, Biting, Bossiness, Bullied, Bullying, Chore Wars, Cynicism, Defiance, Doesn’t Listen, Fighting, Giving Up Easily, Hitting, Homework Battles, Hooked on Rewards, Impulsivity, Intolerance, Lack of Friends, Lying and Cheating, Materialistic, Meanness, Negative Peer Pressure, Over-perfectionism, Poor Sportsmanship, Put-Downs, Rudeness, Selfishness, Short Attention Span, Shyness, Sibling Battles, Stealing, Swearing, Talking Back, Tattling, Teased, Temper Tantrums, Whining and Yelling.

Don’t Give Me That Attitude: 24 Rude, Selfish Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them has chapters on these bad attitudes  – Arrogant, Bad-Mannered, Bad-Tempered, Cheats, Cruel, Demanding, Domineering, Fresh, Greedy, Impatient, Insensitive, Irresponsible, Jealous, Judgmental, Lazy, Manipulative, Narrow-Minded, Noncompliant, Pessimistic, Poor Loser, Selfish, Uncooperative, Ungrateful, Unhelpful.

We all face parenting challenges and children who disobey. It is crucial we know our children and discover the approach that will work for each case. I hope the above “tools” will be useful to you.  They might not be the magic wand, but certainly equip you to construct a better situation than what you  usually experience.

The aim is not to have perfect kids but to help our kids be better, to train them in being good. We cannot control them, but we do need to guide them and try our best to help them want to be good. For this to happen, we need to have a positive attitude and positive approach. Know you are a good parent and can be better, using the research that is out there to tweak your potential.