Feed Yourself More Emotionally

09 Jan Feed Yourself More Emotionally

We women are a unique sex!!  Science is continually showing how we are wired in extremely different ways in our brain and physiology then men, right down to the last cell.  When a baby in utero is very young, it must differentiate to become either male or female. To become female, it “marinates” in estrogen to put it extremely simply. This process causes her brain to strengthen, develop and create many highways and bi-ways between both left and right hemispheres; whereas if the baby were to “marinate” in testosterone to become male, the effect would be the opposite. The connectors would deteriorate and become less. That explains why women’s brains are often compared to a bowl of cooked spaghetti and men’s brains to compartmentalized sections of a waffle.

Understandably, women can then think about many things at once, be more intuitive, multi-task, talk more and be more in tune with their feelings.  Women generally resemble speed boats that can go in many directions in an instant, full throttle with mind and mouth. Also physiologically designed to potentially give life and nurture a baby, women are wired to nurture and develop relationships. Together these attributes make most women much more emotional, sensitive, intuitive and caring.

Realizing all this, understand that you as a woman were made with emotional needs as vast and as deep as an ocean. If you haven’t figured it out already, your husband is not a “girlfriend” in a male body. He’s wired so differently than you. He cannot figure you out and can get so easily overwhelmed by your emotions, all that you are thinking, saying, and doing, that he may just want to hide somewhere. If you make the mistake of nagging, demanding and criticizing him for not being the communicator you dream of, that will even push him further away. He is not you, nor wired like you and totally different in how he processes, reacts and thinks. Once you back off and accept that, you will be able to give him the space and time to grow in his relational abilities through your nurturing care.  He has the capacity to do it, but needs the time and space for things to process in a different way.

In the meantime, you do have lots of emotional needs. Accept that marriage was never meant to meet all of them. No man can meet all the emotional needs of any woman, because we were not created like that.  A wise woman will also feed herself emotionally by having many girlfriends. Whether her mom, her sisters, friends from school days, neighbors, friends at work or wherever, gals benefit enormously by having women in our lives who cheer us on when we are struggling, laugh with us, cry with us, pray for us and value us.

We as women know what makes us tick. Men are trying to figure us out; but other women are already ahead of the game because they are wired just like us.  Instead of getting uptight with your man, switch gears to give him the space he needs. Get out of your comfort zone and make a deliberate effort to revitalize your friendships. Call old girlfriends and catch up. Better yet, at the end of the phone call or facetime, see if you two can book another call next month at a time convenient for both of  you. Your friendship will take off and you will both reap so much joy, happiness and mutual understanding through sharing and caring.

Broaden your friendships. Have your head up, eyes looking and a smile on your lips at the places you frequent to say a kind word and begin talking with other women.  Get involved in hobbies, interests, sports or community activities that happen regularly and allow friendship to spark.  Meet women younger than you. They often crave a word of encouragement, a wise perspective, a voice of experience spoken in a kind manner. Just being with them opens your eyes to how much you have grown over the years and all that you have to be thankful for. That really lifts you!  Befriend women who are older. Their life experience, stamina, wisdom and cheerfulness can inspire and anchor you as you face the future, feeling the solidarity of all those who went through similar times and made it. Of course, look for women who live the same age and stage as you do. It’s so great to build a sense of fraternity and know we are not alone. It actually takes away much stress and helps us be more a team player with our spouse, empowering us to be more optimistic.

Friendships are a soothing balm to life. Of course your husband should be your best friend. He is different, complimentary and unique. You need to learn how to befriend him in a different way than you approach your girlfriends.  Watch what makes him tick and do more. Avoid what ticks him off. Invest in your marriage for sure! Having girlfriends adds much to our emotional tanks so we don’t unrealistically expect our husband to be an end-all-be-all. Friends will enrich your life, so you can in turn enrich your marriage and parenting. We can all benefit tremendously by developing more friendships. It begins with simple acts of kindness, shared interests, and regular contact. You don’t need to invest tons of time, but it’s the moments here and there that flavor our lives and make a big difference. Friendships are crucial to our happiness, whether we are in the season of being single, married, widowed, working or home.  We don’t need many, but they are a big plus in our lives, especially when we are lonely.  Enjoy these resources to help you explore, deepen and widen your friendships.

The Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

Love As A Way of Life by Gary Chapman

Perfectly Yourself , Rhythm of Life and Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

Or Listen to this great podcast

How To Make and Nurture Amazing Friendships by Adam Lane Smith, Attachment Expert